On a snowy November day, my daughter Kit and I were organizing four boxes of Christmas ornaments, dividing them between us. Kit, now living on her own, wanted to decorate her own Christmas tree. Unpacking the decorations brought back memories of loss and grief for children no longer with us during the holidays.
Over eight years, our family grew and shrank as we fostered 23 children. Many placements were temporary, and while fostering, our two children were adopted. I was surprised to find that Kit remembered the stories behind each homemade ornament, even for the ones she had never met the makers of. It was eye-opening to realize that her holiday memories differed from mine.
As I unpacked a box, I uncovered a tree topper given to my husband and me on our first Christmas together as newlyweds. Tracing the crack on the iridescent angel with my fingers, memories flooded back. Although Krazy Glue held the angel together, our marriage could not be saved. I hesitated before passing it to Kit, wondering if she would want it in its fragile state. Her eyes sparkled under her festive reindeer hat as she gladly accepted it.
“Do you remember how I always wanted to be the one to put the angel on top of the tree? I thought I would never be tall enough,” Kit reminisced. We shared a laugh as I teased her about finally growing tall enough. The decision was made – the angel belonged with Kit.
Opening another tin, I found a Santa sleigh and reindeer ornament made by an eight-year-old boy we once fostered. It was crafted from foam blocks and pipe cleaners at a foster family Christmas party. A mix of sorrow and anger washed over me as I recalled the court’s decision not to make him a permanent ward after five years in our care. We were never allowed to see or speak to him again. I hoped he knew how much we cared for him.
Sensing my shift in mood, Kit took the Santa decoration from me. She remembered how I always placed it near the bottom of the tree for her to play with. She admired the flames made from red pipe cleaners, reminiscent of a movie scene. Like our foster children, Kit preferred watching “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” on Christmas Eve over going to church in the city.
Creating inclusive Christmas holidays for our foster children was a priority for my ex-husband, our parents, and me. We adjusted our family Christmas dinner dates so that the children could spend time with their families on Christmas and Boxing Day. We started a tradition of gifting each child unique ornaments to decorate the tree or keep as a memento. When they left our home, they could choose to leave the ornament with us or take it as a keepsake.
Finding a reindeer ornament made of pompoms and googly eyes, I recalled how my son had nicknamed them “Big Balls.” Dividing Christmas ornaments had not been new to me; years ago, my ex-husband and I had divided our belongings, including decorations, during our separation. Kit’s words about the Rudolph ornament being a constant in her Christmas memories struck a chord with me.
This year, decorating the tree feels different. Kit’s positive outlook and memories will overshadow any lingering sadness associated with each ornament. I eagerly anticipate seeing her decorated tree, filled with our shared memories.